Saturday, May 30, 2009

Training again.

The time has come--I've had it with watching from the sidelines while everyone else gets their racing yayas off.

So I've decided to do something about it. But instead of announcing a comeback and riding my brains out in prep for an upcoming race I've been training smarter, not harder.

See I have this theory--try to follow me here:
-Long distance races are often won on the climbs.
-Lighter riders climb faster than heavier ones.
-Even at my lightest I'm still a full-figured gal.

Add it all up and what do you get? If I'm going to compete with the new crop of lightweight and uber strong talent, I need to shed some mass.

But how?


Everyone knows that fat weighs less than muscle. All I need to do is scientifically shed some of that lean muscle mass in favor of adipose and voila--instant weight loss.

But how?

Welllll, I'm so proud of this recipe that even though it'll end up hurting me in the end I'm still willing to share it.

First, make sure you've had plenty of sausage in the hours leading up to prep. This recipe takes as much as 40 minutes to get *just* right, and a sausage-deprived bonk in the middle of it could be disastrous.

Start with just the right amount of each of these:

Toss it all in the blender, then add similar (but not identical) amounts of these:

Can't be too careful here--this is a proven, effective weight loss plan. Lest you wither away too quickly, be sure to toss in a handful (maaaaaybe two) of these:

Top it off with a heapin' helpin' of yogurt covered malted milk balls, cover, then blend.

Pour this semi-gelatinous gold into the freezolator, standing carefully over it to take a sample every 36 seconds.

(note the digitally estimated amount of weight (yes, *7*, as in pounds!) that you'll lose from consuming just this single 1.5 quart serving.

Repeat as necessary up til raceday. No tapering needed--trust me on this one.

Pity the fools that are out there sweating and slaving up hills right now! This is Amurrica--there's *always* an easier way!

Mark my words, you currently skinny suckas are goin' down. I'll just need you to stand still long enough to push you down and sit on you at the start line...

Here's to mid-summer and post-ride ice cream binges...



  1. When I saw the first photo mistook the blender lid with the remnants of a devoured shrimp-ring or seven layer dip - I didn't know where you were going with that one. Needless to say things got A LOT BETTER as the pics went on.

  2. You said,
    "...make sure you've had plenty of sausage in the hours leading up to prep"

    tee hee hee hee


  3. I can feel the fat oozing from my skin and lips. Long live Mikescream. I hope everyone I ride with has a healthy pre-ride portion.

  4. You tease! I stopped by on Monday after Jefe's finish, hoping to sample some of that iced goodness but you weren't there.

    Nice improvments on the homoefront though :)

    Astroturf? Whoda thunk it?

  5. That's the best darn training tip I have read for a long time.